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Philadelphia 76ers decline Melbourne trade offer for Ben Simmons (satire)

This is a fictional piece of satire about the Philadelphia 76ers’ recent preseason victory over Australia’s Melbourne United. Quotes, depictions, or representations of real people or entities of any kind are entirely fictional.

Following their humbling 104-84 defeat to the Philadelphia 76ers at the Wells Fargo Center, the visiting Melbourne United reportedly offered to trade their entire team in exchange for Australian native Ben Simmons.

While Elton Brand was both “tickled” by the offer and, “uncertain if I should confide in other members of upper management before I make a decision,” he ultimately passed this early test of his tenure as GM by immediately declining the deal.

“We like where we’re at right now, in terms of guys and fit,” Brand said to local reporters. “We… I just didn’t feel it was the right time to add an entire roster of guys into the mix. I think that sends the wrong message.”

While Sixers fans can rejoice that their new GM at least meets the bare minimum requirements in terms of competency, Melbourne United were left disappointed.

“We came to Philadelphia as National Basketball League champions and got blitzed by a team with only one Australian,” said Melbourne coach Dean Vickerman. “That’s crazy. We routinely beat teams with upwards of six, seven Australians. We knew we had to at least make an offer for the guy.”

When asked about why the entire team was offered in exchange for just one player, Vickerman explained that Melbourne management had seen how quickly the Sixers had refused to package Ben Simmons in deals for either Kawhi Leonard or Jimmy Butler. He knew Melbourne had to offer more.

“If you want trade for a true, top-of-the-line star under 25-years old, you need to be willing to sacrifice,” Vickerman said. “We thought our roster’s collective 84 points, 37 rebounds, and 15 assists would be enough to swing the needle and land us a guy who didn’t even notch a triple-double last night. But Elton Brand told us that 20 turnovers and just one block were extremely disconcerting numbers before he, all credit to him, very politely hung up.”

Melbourne United later released a statement that they are not interested in wooing the general management services of Brand.

Next: 3 takeaways from Sixers’ first preseason win

Ben Simmons refused to comment.

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